The Fish Wars

Today, on automobiles all over America, the Fish Wars are raging. On a typical day an early morning commute can turn into a near-religious holy war as Jesus Fish cuts off Darwin Fish, Darwin Fish evolves to make the exit ahead of Jesus Fish, Jesus Fish invokes divine intervention to prevent Darwin Fish from finding the last parking spot. It's a never ending battle and Americans are joining the fray and choosing sides at unprecendented rates.

Classic Jesus Fish

"Jesus" Jesus Fish

IXOYE Jesus Fish

The Darwin Fish The Jesus Fish
The earliest scientists and promoters of Darwin's theory were persecuted and threatened with excommunication. They had no secret symbol - not even a fish.The earliest followers of Jesus were persecuted and forced to worship in secret locations. They adopted a secret symbol - the fish.
Undaunted, these persecuted scientists gathered bones, dissected animals and scratched words into texts to defend their thesis.Often these persecuted Christians scratched the fish symbol on the ground before them to help them identify fellow believers.
The Darwin symbol transcends differences in cultures and technical theoretical points. The gradualists and punctuated equilibriumists all embrace the Darwin fish and let it symbolize the true followers of natural selection.The fish symbol transcends differences in cultures and denominations. From generation to generation, the fish symbolizes true followers of Jesus Christ, God's Son.
The letters in the Greek word for fish (Iota, Chi, Theta, Upsilon, Sigma ) for Iota-Jesus, Chi-Christ, Theta-God's, Upsilon-Son, Sigma-Savior. (I'm not making this up!)

History of the Fish

In true Darwinian fashion, the Jesus Fish has evolved into three separate species. The Plain, or Classic, Jesus Fish is the oldest and the common ancestor of all Jesus Fish. The first branch of the Jesus Fish genus came very soon in the Jesus Fish's history. With the advent of greater literacy more and more Christians liked to read and write and thus the IXOYE fish gained in popularity.

The new IXOYE fish was originally developed by writing the letters onto a Plain Jesus Fish. Usually the letters were written with a stick, or scratched into the fish with a stone. (Technical note: Since Jesus Fish aren't bound to Darwinian natural selection, Lamarckian genetics were employed which allowed a Plain Jesus Fish, which had IXOYE scratched onto it, to pass the writing down to its offspring.)

Researchers in the field note that in the late eighth century the Plain Jesus Fish was near extinction as virtually all Christians favored the fancier IXOYE fish. But with the fall of the Roman empire, literacy rates plumeted and the Plain Jesus Fish made a strong comeback.

During the Protestant Revolution, it was feared that each new Protestant group would design its own Jesus Fish. It is not well known but, Martin Luther himself had his own Jesus Fish design. Luther's Fish, pictured below, was sticking its tongue out, as if to say to the Catholic Church "BBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLB"

The Luther Fish

Fortunately, unity prevailed in Fish design and today, each different denomination of Christianity embraces any of the three Jesus Fish species. The third species, of course, being the English language "Jesus" Jesus Fish which came into widespread use as Americans became more and more ignorant of any foreign language, especially ones with silly letters not found in the Roman Alphabet.

The basic shape of the Plain Jesus Fish can be seen quite clearly in all Jesus Fish species. Biologists and Automotive-ologists have determined that the basic shape of the various Jesus Fish, all have an aerodynamic quality perfectly suited to their environment - riding on automobiles.

Darwin Fish

The Darwin Fish is the result of years and years of painstaking breeding done by the scientific community. And like any good scientific break through, it is fraught with controvsery. Industry experts credit the work to Al Seckel and John Edwards circa 1982, but Chris Gilman at Evolution Design contests this saying he was first in 1984. Well, it is probably as mysterious as to how Christians can count from Friday night to Sunday morning and call it three days.

Regardless of who has the credit, the science is clear. The Plain Jesus Fish was cross bred with many other species in carefully controlled laboratory conditions. The feet on the Darwin Fish are actually the feet of Charles Darwin himself. Miraculously, Darwin's offspring had the foresight to preserve Darwin's body with great care and complete copies of his DNA were found intact. This DNA was given to Gilman in early 1984 and he quickly developed genetic techniques to isolate the feet genes and graft them onto the Plain Jesus Fish chromosomes which luckily had useless proteins in the analogous position.

Forming the letters D A R W I N was much more difficult. Unlike the Jesus Fish, the Darwin Fish was limited to Darwinian natural selection. This meant that simply tattooing "DARWIN" on a Plain Jesus Fish would not result in a new Fish born with "DARWIN" already tattooed on it. But genetic engineers eventually isolated the set of alphabet genes and were able to control exactly the way in which the letters were formed.

Other Fish

Now that the Fish alphabet genes have been isolated and genetic engineering techniques have been greatly improved, a rash of new Fish species has emerged. A few new upstart Fish species of note include:

( a complete taxonomy of all known fish )

Back to the Wars

Naturally, the separate species of Jesus Fish (Darwin Fish and later designer species are properly classified in the genus Pisces Yahwehum) do not get along. Due to limited resources (a finite number of automobiles) the Fish must compete and struggle to survive in classic Darwinian fashion. Hence the Fish Wars.

Recently, a new sort of fish war has emerged. The fight over who bred the first Darwin fish. Click here for more. (coming soon)

Many people are asking where they can get these fish. I don't think anyone sells all of them, but some places to start are NorthernSun and EvolveFish

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